Let Him Eat Cake

"So, what's for dinner," my husband asked Thursday after I picked him up from work.

In a very dramatic fashion, complete with throwing myself in a rumpled heap on the couch, I said "NOTHING! WE HAVE NOTHING TO EAT!" We couldn't even just eat noodles with cheese, as we were already out of shredded cheese and I had used the last of our sliced provolone two nights before (in place of shredded cheese, to be exact).

After what seemed like an hour of me complaining about how we're always out of food and we don't even have four raisins to share-- never mind two of us do not eat the nasty buggers-- that we were all going to starve and die and where's Al Gore when you need him-- we came to the conclusion that dry noodles would not work.

Finally, we got up and headed over to a local Mexican joint, one my daughter refers to as "Old Charles," though it is not old and nobody there is named Charles. We dined on enchiladas and margaritas and headed over to the local Hippy Health Food Store in the same shopping center.

I personally like doing my shopping after having an alcoholic beverage. It makes it a bit more fun.

"Squeeze the melons, children. Just sqquuueeeezzzzzeee them." 

My husband brought the two kids over to the Halloween store to view the creepies while I did my shopping. The store was rather empty, as most of the Snow Birds in town do their shopping on Wednesday afternoon- DOUBLE AD DAY!-- before they go and eat dinner at the resonable hour of 4pm.

Before they can have that dinner, however, they have to drive slowly down the road, hands perched at 1 and 11 on the wheel, while staying precariously close to the center lane.

Yay for snowbirds! I hear they taste like chicken.

I wheeled my cart through the store quickly, throwing this and that into my basket, hoping to get out before the kids came in and started screaming for organic gummy worms from the bulk bins. As I stood in line to check out, I realized that I had a basket of food for my son.

You see, I hardly ever eat sugar anymore. I'm more of a social sugar eater-- desserts and such at parties, but I don't snack during the day. So most of the prepackaged foods at the store, even the Hippy Health Food Store, are out.

I'm looking into the basket and I see $70 worth of things to keep my 3-year-old boy fed. Hippy Pop Tarts (for snacks on the go, not breakfast), Hippy Fruit Strips, honey sticks, kefir, Annie's Mac and Cheese, strawberries, prunes, raisins, nuts...the list goes on and on.

How is it possible for one child to eat so much? I swear he must have a tapeworm...it is the only way I can explain how he can down so much food in such a short time.

This is a child who could eat a twelve course meal and then, 30 minutes later, ask for a snack, preferably goldfish crackers, if possible.

I spend my days trying to think of ways to feed him without overloading on things such as crackers/pretzels/goldfish. Apples with honey, apples with peanut butter, yogurt, fruit strips, popcorn, fruit, frozen tubes of yogurt...I do it all.

And yet, he is still not satisfied.

It is to the point where I just want to keep a basket of fresh snacks next to me on the couch, and when he asks for "a 'nack," I can just throw a piece of meat at him and tell him to eat like a shark (no hands allowed!).

If I could at least keep him occupied by trying to catch meat in his mouth for at least half the day, I feel there's a chance I could cut his food bill in half. If the whole plan works well, and he's successful eating like a shark, I might even consider springing for that expensive grass fed beef.